Getting Along With Challenging Co-Workers

We’ve all had to deal with colleagues who are challenging to get along with, from arrogant and stubborn, to petty and irritable, to know-it-alls. Some of the myriad of resources available on the subject give names to the different categories of ‘people problems,’ such as the Chatterbox, the Gossip, the Complainer, the Delegator or the Credit Grabber. And even the friendliest, most laid-back workers can occasionally clash with others if for no other reason that they simply remind a co-worker of someone they’ve had a conflict with in the past!

One way I think that is useful to conceptualize interpersonal challenges in the workplace is to try looking at it as fundamentally a difference in interpersonal styles. For example, many of you are familiar with the Meyers-Briggs test that is based on Carl Jung’s typologies: extraversion, introversion, feeling, sensing, thinking and intuition in which various combinations result in 16 different ‘personality types.’ However, for our purposes consider the categories reflecting interpersonal styles. In this way you can see how an introvert might have some difficulty dealing with an extrovert and vice-versa, or misunderstandings between one with a feeling style that is on a committee with a colleague having a thinking style. Hopefully, thinking in terms of styles helps promote understanding and allowance of differences in resolving problems, and to move away from assigning blame.

I think we can all agree that in any relationship, both people influence the other's behavior. That is, in almost every conflict situation, both parties bear some responsibility for where "things are at". I suggest you choose to assume that people are doing the best they can under their personal circumstances and pressures, most of which you know nothing about. Therefore, is it not constructive to focus on blame. The key to these situations is to focus on what you can do to improve things. If you’re having a difficult time getting along with a co-worker, it’s your responsibility to work through it, and as typical, you are going to have to address specific behaviors. With this in mind, here are a few suggestions for dealing with co-workers with whom you find challenging:

• Don’t expect them to change. Remember, the other person likely sees you as being challenging and the only behavior you can change is your own. This means approaching the person differently. Work toward solutions and compromises. Sometimes approaching the person and demonstrating a willingness to cooperate may help that person change as well.
   
• Choose your battles wisely. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Turn the other cheek. Save your time and energy for the real problems, and let the small ones go.

• Agree to disagree. Respectfully.

• Call in the authority. Go to your supervisor only as a last resort. If your difficulties have somehow escalated to the point where you feel harassed or even bullied, it’s time to bring the issue to your boss’s attention, with an eye to resolving whatever original circumstances have led to things getting out of hand (e.g., inconvenient sharing of resources, committee disagreements/assignments). If the issue is largely result of differing interpersonal styles, try as best you can to leave your boss out of it.

• Take the ‘high road’ and be the bigger person. Even if a co-worker is baiting you, or pushing your buttons (by accident or deliberately), it’s often easier to simply ignore their behavior. You have the power to choose not to engage.

• Follow the Golden Rule. You learned this as a child and it still holds true so spread it around.

There are plenty of resources out there, both online and at local bookstores, if you want further information on strategies for coping with challenging co-workers.

John Holt
Cornerstone Psychological Services
11-12-2007