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Children Caring for Their Aging Parents They’re called the “sandwich years,” the years when parents are caught between the needs of their children and of their own parents or relatives. Many studies show that taking care of an elderly relative can be stressful to the caregiver, often having a negative impact on their health. Another factor is the caregiver’s children. How can we help our children and how do our children view us as we help our parents? What can we do to make things as positive as possible? Here are but a few suggestions: Pay Attention: Your parents may need assistance if they are have significant difficulty performing basic activities of daily living (e.g. hygiene, dressing, preparing meals, shopping, etc.) Plan Ahead: Avoid waiting until your parents' health has deteriorated to consider the available options. This includes talking about finances and drawing up appropriate legal documents with the assistance of a qualified attorney. Hold a Family Conference: Before making any care decision, include as many members of the immediate family as possible, including the person involved. In making decisions, you want all the family members in agreement as much as possible because you're going to need support and help, especially in regard to guilt issues. Everyone who places an aging relative in a facility has some level of guilt. Respect Your Parents' Wishes: Throughout this process, it's important to respect your parents' wishes and their desire to live independently as long as possible. Whenever parents are cognitively able, they should be brought into any decision-making process. Evaluate Your Home: If caring for parents at home, you’ll probably need to make some adjustments. For example, installing bathroom grab bars, putting higher-watt light bulbs in light fixtures to brighten rooms, using double-sided tape to anchor area rugs, and replacing doorknobs and faucets with levers that are easier to use. Adding railings and a ramp at the front entrance and widening doors so a wheelchair or walker can pass through may also be necessary. A physical therapist or occupational therapist may be helpful in evaluating accessibility. Do Your Research: Before deciding whether to place an aging relative in a nursing home or other facility, ask a lot of questions and get as much information on the facility as you can. Consider Volunteer Help: Community volunteers can meet many of the needs of elderly people. They can visit, prepare meals, clean, do yard work, or five rides to medical appointments or to the local supermarket. Church groups or other community service organizations, such as Meals on Wheels, are often a good source of volunteer assistance. Take Care of Yourself: Caring for aging parents can be both a difficult challenge and a rewarding experience, strengthening family bonds. But it's stressful. Emotions such as anger, guilt, grief and anxiety are normal. Don't forget to also take care of yourself. You may even need to hire help to provide yourself a short respite. Give yourself opportunities to get away from the caregiving situation to regroup and restore your energy. What About Your Children: It behooves parents to make the care giving experience as positive as possible for their children, especially if they want their children to want to take care of them in the future. In doing so, you can teach your children incredible and compassionate lessons about life and death. The idea is to help the kids not see this (dying) person as scary; this is still their grandparent. So give each child a job. For example, one can bring a meal, the other reading material. It helps reduce the stress for kids if they are a part of things. Also be sure to keep expectations reasonable. For example, getting the kids to school on time and eating dinner as a family are just fine and helps with consistency and structure though other schedules may change drastically. Listen to and check with your children often. Inform teachers and coaches of the caregiving situation and ask them to watch the children for possible signs of difficulty. John Holt
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