Just Say No – the right way

We wear a lot of hats in life with responsibilities at home, at work, at church and in other organizations we belong to. Sometimes our plate is piled too high with deadlines and obligations that we’re trying to squeeze in between meetings and doing our jobs. And sometimes we just need to stop and ask ourselves: Am I trying to cram too many activities into too little time? If so, a great stress management tool is as simple as just saying no — or no more.

We want to please people and be good citizens and co-workers, but taken to and extreme we can get the ‘please disease’ and do ourselves harm.  I’m sure you know that if you're overcommitted and under a lot of stress, you've got a much better chance of becoming sick, tired or just plain old crabby, which doesn't benefit you or anyone else.

But what’s so hard about saying no? Well, to start with, it can hurt, anger or disappoint the person you’re saying “no” to, and that’s not usually a fun task. Second, if you work with the person asking you’ll want to continue to have a good relationship with them, and saying “no” in the wrong way might jeopardize that. And sometimes we feel that we have to say yes to our boss because, well they’re the boss, and if we say no then we might look like we can’t handle the work or worry that the boss will think badly about us.

But there does come a time when you should say no to more requests or tell someone you must give up a task. And saying no is not a selfish act, by the way. In fact, it may be the most beneficial thing that you can do for your family and your other commitments. When you say no, you'll be able to spend quality time on the things you've already said yes to.

Sometimes it's tough to determine which activities deserve your time and attention. How do we know when to say no?

• Examine your current obligations and overall priorities before making any new commitments. Ask yourself if the new commitment is important to you. If it's something that you feel strongly about, by all means do it.
• Is the new activity that you're considering a short-term or long-term commitment? If an activity is going to end up being another source of stress in your life, especially for the long term, take a pass.
• Let go of guilt. Again, saying no is not selfish.
• Keep your current commitments in check. If you have relatives coming over for dinner, you don’t have to have a three course meal, just keep it simple and order pizza.
• Sleep on it. When someone makes a request, it is always okay to say, “Let me think about it.” In thinking it over, remind yourself that the decision is entirely up to you.
• Yes versus stress. If you say yes when you want to say no you will feel resentful throughout whatever you agreed to do. This costs you energy and discomfort and is not necessary if you just say no when you need to.

So how do you say no when you’ve made the decision? What you want to strive for is a simple no that is assertive and direct. For example, "No, I won't be able to help with that." No explanation is needed, but if you would like to offer one make it short and simple. Such as, "No, I won't be able to help with that. I've already made a commitment for Friday afternoon." Or other variations on the “I already have too many commitments and can’t possibly manage another one or my others will suffer” theme. And start your sentence with the word, "No." It's easier to keep the commitment to say, "No," if it's the first word out of your mouth.

Saying no won't be easy if you're used to saying yes all the time. But learning to say no is an important part of simplifying your way to a better, less stressful life. And people will still like you. You’ll see.

John Holt
Cornerstone Psychological Services
2-13-2008
Mar 2008 GCS Insider